12/30/05

I am hungry...

...for raw fish and Cantonese tongue (yeah you!) - maybe some Cantonese earlobe too...


;)


fuck, but whatever. harshness is to blend the pain; low hum.

cover your shame.

cover your fragile.

but open heart.

how and when will this end? what is the light that brings a darkness in its absence; like the deep sea - beautiful but cold.

i relent.
i relent.
i aspire.
irelent.
ineed.
iwant.
i desire.
irelent.

xoxo.

timeisnotapropiertarygood. tick tock tack one up those who try.

12/29/05

My heart hurts

I think I got a gift, but for all the wrong reasons.

Maybe this is a gift.
Maybe this is a favor.

Maybe I'm a lucky man.

Maybe all I needed was a visit.
Maybe I'm just warming up.

Maybe I deserve better.
Maybe I expect too much.

Maybe I'll learn.
Maybe I'll give up.

Maybe I won't hurt my heart again...

Sunshower by Chris Cornell

Dark as roses, fine as sand
Feel your healing and your sting again
I hear you laughing and my soul is saved
On forgotten graves you cry

Crawl like ivy up my spine
Through my nerves and into my eyes
Cuts like anguish
Or recollections of better days gone by

But it’s all right
When you’re caught in pain
And you feel the rain come down
It’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
It’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower

Eyes like oceans so far away
A feather trail to a better way
Worried mornings turn into days
Then into worried nights

But it’s all right
When you’re all in pain
And you feel the rain come down
Oh it’s all right
When you find your way
Then you see it disappear
Oh it’s all right
Though your garden’s grey
I know all your graces
Someday will flower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
Oh in the sweet sunshower
In the sweet sunshower

I know all your graces
Someday will flower
In the sweet sunshower
And it’s all right
All you’ll be you are today
Are today
It’s all right
All you’ll be you are today
Are today...

Ca fait mal

I feel like

a lucky man,
a fool,
a victim,
the cause and effect,
an ass,
right,
wrong,
at home,
a stranger,
alone,
unwilling,
determined,
driven,
overwhelmed,
under stimulated,
under paid,
strapped for time,
bored,
unsupported,
confident,
unheard,
overcompensating,
desirable,
undesired,
invincible,
fragile,

…unlike myself. I miss being me. More yoga…

Amsterdam by Coldplay

Come on, my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
If i, if I’d only waited
I’d not be stuck here in this hole
Come here my star is fading
And I swerve out of control
And I swear I waited and waited
I’ve got to get out of this hole

But time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down and all around
It’s no cause for concern

Come on, oh my star is fading
And I see no chance of release
And I know I’m dead on the surface
But I am screaming underneath

And time is on your side
Its on your side now
Not pushing you down
And all around, no
It’s no cause for concern

Stuck on the end of this ball and chain
And I’m on my way back down again
Stood on a bridge, tied to the noose
Sick to the stomach
You can say what you mean
But it won’t change a thing
I’m sick of the secrets
Stood on the edge, tied to a noose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose
You came along and you cut me loose.

the fight

i won't let you go without a fight,
but if i fight you're sure to go.

you have to work today,
again, i won't get in your way.
i won't crave your attention,
i won't crave you.

i can love you,
but i can no longer hunger for you.

broken fragments clutter my mind,
my gut screams 'i told ya so',
my mind screams 'but how can you ever really know',
my heart is quietly healing its deepening wound.

snagged in this trap,
what is it gonna take to be free?


I hope one day...

...to be surrounded by people who will look at me as person and not as momment in time.

Broken

Today, my heart and mind are broken.




:'(



12/25/05

InKind

I can't do it anymore. I can't work for the money. I can't work for any more little piggies. No more stats; insurance; pharma; negotiation of dollar vs. will; supply and demand; knowledge curves; half dopples ;)

InKind [Montreal.Toronto.Vancouver]

Help is required.

12/21/05

Oh! Darling by The Beatles

Oh darling please believe me
I’ll never do you no harm
Believe me when I tell you
I’ll never do you no harm

Oh darling if you leave me
I’ll never make it alone
Believe me when I beg you
Don’t ever leave me alone

When you told me you didn’t need me anymore
Oh well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn’t need me anymore
Oh well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh darling if you leave me
I’ll never make it alone
Believe me when I tell you
I’ll never do you no harm

Believe me darling

When you told me you didn’t need me anymore
Oh well you know I nearly broke down and cried
When you told me you didn’t need me anymore
Oh well you know I nearly broke down and died

Oh darling please believe me
I’ll never let you down oh believe me darling
Believe me when I tell you
I’ll never do you no harm

Fighting depression…

…is hard to do. I think I might be depressed; certainly lonely. I think I’m taking it out on people I care about. This is hard. So much is changing. This season is wrong for my mood. This mood is wrong for this time. I’m not being strong. Fuck. I keep feeling like the fool; trying to get reassurance; idiot. R E L A X.

I need to control this. I’ve been detoxifying. It plays its own role. I miss Van; my friends anyway. I’ve been “off” since at least October 1st. The lack of work is getting to me. The distance between me the woman closest to my heart is getting to me. I miss Dennis. I miss Shari. I miss the pad. Fuck. Exercise and healthy sleep - I need some yoga. I need to ease the overclock in my mind – looking at everything like a mad man, pondering 40 angles to every problem and easily assuming too much.

Apologies to those I’ve over heated on – it’s often the heat that is basic problem in any overclock procedure – it’s just finding the right configuration; almost there.

I like attention. Not from everybody, but some people; close people. Sometimes, if I don’t get the attention, as in “I’m paying attention to your needs”, I feel like a less involved or acknowledge partner in the relationship. It sometimes makes me a little irrational; sometimes it makes me reasonably question the integrity of the relationship; sometimes it makes me want to be alone to remove the dependence. I need to adjust my expectations.

My mind hasn't raced...

...like this in ages. I'm living with my parents; I feel like a teenager. My emotional state seems to match ;) Are the pimples en route?

Sanitary and focused?

Determined but afraid.

Wanting but weaning.

Depth can make waters beautiful but cold; can't say I love being cold.

What's next? So fragile i f e e l . . . it's so often only the beginning.

To think in the long term; a place I often feel simple minded. Sometimes I feel emotionally simple minded too, like a "guy's guy". Bertooouzzzi? Grutsky? Careful. Be aware. Esther is emotionally mature. I occasionally struggle with her; myself. She makes me feel – accountable; and occasionally unrequited... learning.

Be wise in choosing your emotional mentors; they will form how you feel.

12/20/05

Moving back...

...has been painful; sad. I miss things about BC. I miss things that aren't part of Montreal anymore. I miss Esther. I miss my crew. I miss my music. I miss myself. So much always changes in so little time for me. It's starting to feel the same as getting up before the end of a movie, possibly missing the point.

Arcade Fire in the background.

It's not as bad as that. I needed to come back, I just don't know why yet, Choosing Unknown and all that... I think I need to go back into IT; get some cash and frequent flyer points together. Any suggestions?

Fossil fuels and a beating heart.

My aspirations require patience.

I want:
"Someone" and a family
Yoga
Smokeless lungs
Good rollerblades
One Mini Cooper S
To cook better
To make music
To make money
Technology (just enough to be me)
A view
Maybe a two wheeled engine

Each day my mind grows; recedes. It will be real above all else.