OK Cobra

OK Cobra

More tunes to check out. From Montreal...

Can't stop Vaudevillian pop rock

Can't stop Vaudevillian pop rock

A band called Mother from Van. Download the free track. It rocks.

Haze Fantasy by Nekojin Gabe

Haze Fantasy by Nekojin Gabe
Originally uploaded by Soli.

cool.

DJ

They were looking for DJ at a downtown cafe. They said they was "laptop" and "tech" friendly...

...I applied ;)

Dead End by Sam Roberts

Sam and co. are friends of mine. We grew up in same hood, etc...

Just wanted to say: this morning, I was mulling and brooding, and this song played off my playlist; I mull and brood no longer. Good to know je suis pas toujours seul…

...merci Sam.

Dead End by Sam Roberts

Oh what’s wrong with me
Said oh what’s wrong with me
I know what I don’t wanna be
A dead end on the family tree
And I just lost my virginity
To a girl who won’t remember me at all
Took her out on a shopping spree
Happiness never happened for free
Could it be that I imagined things

I’m just sad instead of heartbroken

She came home but she’s leaving again
She’s coming back but she won’t say when(chorus)

And I don’t sing songs anymore
I don’t feel young anymore
And it’s hard to conceal
That these tears that I cry are for real

Any more
My pop said I should be like him
My mom says I can live with them

I had to ask my little brother to lend
Me change for the bus ‘til I see him again

I’m getting drunk every day of the week
My ship sunk but it had no leak
A fortune teller on Bishop street
She read my hand and the future is bleak
I’m tired of sitting upon the fence
I’ve got no self confidence
Why don’t I have a circle of friends
I’m so square they don’t even pretend

Don’t give in
You can never let them win
But I get cold
I get cold
Every night, night, night,
Without a prayer in my heart, heart, heart

Oh what’s wrong with me
Said oh Lord what’s wrong with me
I know what I don’t wanna be
A dead end on the family tree
And the train for my salvation
Is departing from the station
She don’t feel like conversation
So I’m talking to myself
I got nobody else
I got my bottle of booze and my stale cigarettes
Down from the shelf

YouTube - Jay Leno Phony Photo Booth

YouTube - Jay Leno Phony Photo Booth

This is just too funny.

DD-WRT and Network Bridging

I promised a friend I'd post this so:

What is a network bridge?

A network bridge is a bridge that will connect one network segment to another. In this context, I wanted to connect a Linksys router wirelessly to an existing secure wireless network. The example: one router is in the basement and the other two floors away. The reason I want to bridge these routers is because of a file server that resides one the top floor, but is not exposed to the rest of this domicile net.

Getting it done

First thing you need to do is get this awesome firmware upgrade. It's called DD-WRT. This firmware is WAY more configurable and powerful than the default Linksys offering. It offers a wide variety of wicked extra features including wireless signal boosts and a number of added transmit frequencies (i.e. the channel range extends for 1 -14 instead 1 - 11 which comes is really handy if your struggling with signal interference from other wireless devices like wireless phones). Be careful! Firmware upgrades are not for the faint of heart. Play it safe and download and test a working client based firmware upgrade for your Linksys router (i.e. client based means do not rely on the routers “Upgrade Firmware” and download an EXE that will PUSH the firmware on to your router rather than asking the router to PULL the upgrade in, as you might not be able to access the router HTML interface).

A useful tool that I use (especially with my note book when out on the digital town) is Network Stumbler. It uses your wireless card to scan for available wireless networks, determine whether they are secure, give you an idea about signal strength and consistency, the used channels and channel traffic, and more.

Next, read this wiki (I listed the steps below, but read the wiki!): WRT Wiki

Instructions:

1) Install the firmware and log in.

2) I change the router IP to something that won’t conflict with a) the other router IP (i.e. 192.168.1.1) and b) that is not in the range of the DHCP server (i.e. if 192.168.1.1 offers up an DHCP IP range 100 – 150, you could choose 192.168.1.151; just don’t forget ;)

If you want to leave it as 192.168.1.1, you could also set a static IP address of 192.168.1.x network to your client and you can reach the router as 192.168.1.1 by Ethernet.

3) Add WAN MAC-Address of WRT54G to your mac filter list on your base station.

4) Connect to your WRT54G (normally 192.168.1.1) by wire which should act as client bridge.

5) Enable Wireless Security (in Wireless/Wireless Security) as used (i.e. WEP and configure it as used in your local network (same key generator)).

6) In Wireless/Basic Settings choose "Client-Bridged" as Wireless Mode and set SSID, Wireless channel and Network Mode can be set to same values as your Base Station, normally Auto / Mixed.

That’s all. On next wired connect to your router you should get an IP address from your network.

I just can't believe...

it's 6 freakin' AM. Who's paying for this? FUCK!

thought i might get away without a Simpsons episode to lay my ass to sleep tonight, but i was wrong. gonna hafta look at this soon and switch back radiohead or something other than:

The Simpsons...
Paa pa pa pa paa pa pa pa papapa pa - pa.pa.pa.pa.pa! - papapa pa

tomorrow, radiohead.

confess

in all frankness, part of my getting fired was because of this song (i.e. extra 1/2 hour singing it b4 sleeping - gotta do what you gotta do):

Angel by Sarah McLachlan

Spend all your time waiting
For that second chance
For a break that would make it okay
There's always one reason
To feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction
Oh beautiful release
Memory seeps from my veins
Let me be empty
And weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there

So tired of the straight line
And everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
And the storm keeps on twisting
You keep on building the lie
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference
Escaping one last time
It's easier to believe in this sweet madness oh
This glorious sadness that brings me to my knees

In the arms of an angel
Fly away from here
From this dark cold hotel room
And the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage
Of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort there
You're in the arms of the angel
May you find some comfort here

ramman

ramman
Originally uploaded by Soli.

i can't believe i have a gig of ram and once again am struggling to do get things done.

no more pics :(

i ain't got no more pics to upload. flickr tells me i'm @ 97% of my 2 gig limit. it took three years to take them all, but i alomost made it.

having some sort of breakdown. later.

Gimme

Gimme
Originally uploaded by Soli.

now. gimme. just fer a day. NOW!

Vroom

Vroom
Originally uploaded by Soli.

ended up driving this. need to do it again.

Leather lot

Leather lot
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Cool color range

City of Glass

City of Glass
Originally uploaded by Soli.

screw u coupland! kidding. to much bullshit on the inside cover ;)

riv it!

riv it!
Originally uploaded by Soli.

just a cool perpective.

Tonka

Tonka
Originally uploaded by Soli.

had trouble trying to name this one.

Just yum... yum yum.

Just yum... yum yum.
Originally uploaded by Soli.

yum yum yum. those calis in the background are made with REAL crab; changes everything.

Where does the beauty come from?

Where does the beauty come from?
Originally uploaded by Soli.

I can't figure it out. Hate cigs; love this pic. Gorgeous.

1 2 3

1 2 3
Originally uploaded by Soli.

there's nothing like knowing how to drive. the skillset bleeds into everything; rollerbaldes; walking; flying; cooking; coding - the best.

The 1 2 3 right off the start and right through the Senna. I love the Senna.

Jersey bridges

Jersey bridges
Originally uploaded by Soli.

had to jump off my bike on the nice wide shoulder to take this shot. good thing about a bike - lotsa parking; down-side - gloves, helmet, keys, lock, dig, camera, pick glove up off the ground, pick camera case up off the ground, turn on camera, snap snap, pick up camera case off the ground, dust, put camera in case, stuff, lock, pick glove up off the ground, grab keys, helmet, gloves, stand, go. could take 15mins if yr slacking.

Sunbow

Sunbow
Originally uploaded by Soli.

this was awesome. i wasn't sure that the camera would get it right, but it did. sooooo cool.

Skydiving Vermont

Skydiving Vermont
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Skydiving Vermont
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Skydiving Vermont
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Ok. Here's a link to my jump. It's 100meg and 6 min, but wicked.


I have a download limit with this service provider, so only grab it if you really want to watch it, else, I've included some snaps:

The Templeton

The Templeton
Originally uploaded by Soli.

this diner and i were best friends.

Variable Stars in Distant Spiral Galaxy

Variable Stars in Distant Spiral Galaxy
Originally uploaded by Soli.

gotta love that hubble.

Eagle Nebula HUBBLE

Eagle Nebula HUBBLE
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Someone added this as one of his Flickr favorites. I love the stuff. If I ever did want to spend money entirely self-fully; outer space and drive an F1.


Hubble:Eagle Nebula

Passport and a pawn shop

Passport and a pawn shop
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Right...

Arizona.

Good times.

Not bad for a passport and pawn shop, huh? (kidding - sort of ;)

my baby

my baby
Originally uploaded by Soli.

this is on the same list as my iPod, camera, and motorcycle as the smartest money i've ever spent.

Let's add my first Apple computer, Dunhams, IBM T Series Thinkpads, BBS mags, the car it went on, racing lessons, MOTORCYCLE LESSONS, skydiving, maybe 15% of those "I can't believe we spent/did that" nights out, and every travel no matter where, what, why, how, or when!!!!

Mashmmooooollooos

firefox-tabbed-browsing
Originally uploaded by Soli.

I feel like a marshmallow...

I’ve dump so much data out of my head, off my hard drives, etc.

Add all the reading and music and you gots yerself... s’more nothin’

I feel like a marshmallow.

I also feel like saying that this tabbed Firefox browser is going to be the death me.

drill away

Been drilling that resume. Basically done; made some cool changes today.

sentinels

sentinels
Originally uploaded by Soli.

sentinel

sentinel
Originally uploaded by Soli.

this might be my all time fav.

baby's got boot

baby's got boot
Originally uploaded by Soli.

very very cool. double yum.

Baby's got leg

Baby's got leg
Originally uploaded by Soli.

yum

Santa Clemente sunset

Santa Clemente sunset
Originally uploaded by Soli.

groovy baby...

Paige

Paige
Originally uploaded by Soli.

This one is another fav. i think i'm getting obsessed with the flickr thing.

Kelowna, BC July 1st 2004

Kelowna, BC July 1st 2004
Originally uploaded by Soli.

i mean... really. trying to ride a motorcycle here...

wow.

Kelowna, BC July 1st 2004

Kelowna, BC July 1st 2004
Originally uploaded by Soli.

i love this. big warm wind that day. awesome.

Clean the room 2

Clean the room 2
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Part 2 of clean the room

Clean the room 1

Clean the room 1
Originally uploaded by Soli.

two parter on why "my room" might be harder to clean than most...

Go Fro!

Go Fro!
Originally uploaded by Soli.

Growing my hair out can be painfully... funny. This shot is pre-shower. I take another to show how fly and fro can look (tho it won' treally be fro later - maybe it's not really a fro now...)

Seawall Sky

Seawall Sky
Originally uploaded by Soli.

airy sky

umbrela.com

So it's happened.

For the last 5 years I've enjoyed my very own static IP and used it to host all my ftp, mail, and web.

I went Daddy and I feel like a civilian.

I present the new and improved .NET 2.0 platform that is once again:

www.umbrela.com

I realize there's nothing there, but I need some time ;)

Basically, it'll host files and web services, so don't get too excited (blush).

Metric

"When there's no way out, the only way out is to (give)in."
- Emily Haines

Qualicum Falls

Qualicum Falls
Originally uploaded by Soli.

wow. just wow. this one is a prize to me. i just love it. qualicum is on vancouver island west of nanimo.

wow.

mad!

did mad work on my resume deal (comments welcomed and i moderate them so do be shy) and my new Pro Flickr account.

goodnight!

Whistler Creek

Whistler Creek
Originally uploaded by Soli.

i love this pic. got it while quading whistler/blackcomb back country.

i miss bc...

:/

St-Lazare

recorded a vocal yesterday.
headin' back today.

st-lazare, quebec

smoking.

Yin Yang-isms

Empathy and Assertivness

above

Sympathy and Aggression

I can be so fucking dramatic

lol. oh well, guess it comes with the turf.

I washed my hands. Got the icky and the sticky off, but not that awesome tangerine perfume. Obvioulsly, things don't always have to be in terms of absolutes (blush).

no more being an idiot :/

My fiery heart…

My fiery heart…

… is like a powerful car. It can sometimes be hard to handle, especially in the snow or rain ;)

Gonna learn to drive better and keep the car.

KARAOKE!!!!!!!!!

about time.

the list:

One - U2
Come Together - The Beatles
Instant Karma - John Lennon
Creep - Radiohead
Life by the Drop - SRV

miss it all

gnite

unforgotten dues...

we are 1

mine again

Wash my hands

I peeled a tangerine; made my hand smell… awesome.

Sometimes, even if the perceived undesirable... smells like tangerines… we still are apt to wash our hands and remove the unnatural; the uninvited; the consequential.

I am washing my hands.

Am I am not… ;)

my resume, my cv, my life - with hyperlinks.

soli.agha

Some days

Some days I miss her, other days I resent her.

All days I think of her; the idea of her; the image of her; the want of her.

Fuck. I am a freakin’ mush ball, maybe even pushover. Forgiving and forgetting, seeing the positive above all else, wanting to be there for everyone – compromising - or maybe I’m just wanting IT above all else.

You take me as I am, girl I'm a take you as you are
Even though my fam don't understand
My people on the block, they don't understand, no, no
Why I put that rock up on your hand
Cause I take you as you are, you're a star - Wyclef

Alas

Alas, the time has come. This is going to be a reminiscent of my “I think I can do it” in Portland spill – gotta try and not get distracted. This’ll take a couple of hours.

Current State of Affaires

I am back from BC, unsure as to whether for good or not, and am working in a warehouse doing some basic “meditative” assembly and a little floor management. I am actively looking for more/other work. Today, I am in pain. My back hurts. Why - a game of darts in an Irish pub the morning after the Night of the Dirty Belvedere Martinis. The bartender had already passed me an Advil Gel Cap for migraines. Toss a dart, then another, and at some point – crick.

I was hit by a car in spring.

I was jay-crossing Burrard on foot when I got smoked and follow that up with these pictures. My bones are cricking and cracking again. Sitting here hurts a little.

The catalyst to this… essay… was an email from a friend. It read:

I've been reading your blog lately, man, and I've got to say I'm getting concerned. Are you OK? I'm not talking about the living situation or the lack of job situation… I'm talking about YOU.

I know it may seem empty, seeing that there's likely little I can do to truly help, but if you want to get together and shoot the shit, or if you need a sounding board, let me know.

On a drive into downtown Montreal two days ago, I mentioned to a friend that I might have to create a “How to read this blog?” post.

Ouch. Five minutes in Child Pose.

So, in light of this email, I am urged to explain the following:

Reading my blog

Each posting in my blog in like a painting or a song or a meal to me – born of whatever unique colors, sounds, or ingredients that any day or moment might provide. It does not intend to share any beliefs or otherwise. I sometimes write sad songs when I’m happy; draw faces I’ve never seen; cook cold soups in the winter.

I’d read it like I might eat a meal; concerned for the quality, freshness, and wholeness of the meal and less for any attention to classical ideal or detail; historical standard; status quo.

This blog just is… my idea of art – not a confession (okay, maybe sometimes ;)

So it all started

So it all really started with that accident. My life changed; then again; then again…

I lost interest in the IT field; it lost interest with me. To be frank, it hurt to code, much like it hurts to sit here right now :/ Sitting at a desk all day was not on my list of things to do. I needed work.

Enter Mr. Freak

Mr. Freak was my friend. We hung out all the time. We talked about a lot of things, including his being gay – which he was not particularly outward about. He’s been through some shit in his life. So have I. So have we all. We worked together at my first west coast IT job. Then he left to manage a local gay bar; let’s call it Letters, where change is inevitable.

Mr. Freak and I were hanging out, eating dinner, and possibly getting shit done. Our relationship grew into one of mutual tolerance. There were things he didn’t “agree with” in terms of my perspective and I with his. Seeing eye-to-eye with people is not always a priority for me. If he likes Dr. Phil… he likes Dr. Phil. No skin off my back.

He called me one day in spring of 2005.

"Can you work the door?"

At a gay bar? Hmm… need cash; don’t have any problem with it…

"Sure."

I worked the door. I considered my dedication outside the average, but only because he was my friend; loyalty. It even happened that I had to get involved while off duty and rather SAUCED. Never a big deal, but the idea always bothered me… implied liabilities and such.

Hm. Let me take a second to describe this situation. When I met Mr. Freak back in 2004, N O B O D Y where we worked really liked him (estimate 10 – 15 employees). He was a sort of black sheep. I like black sheep. I’ve been one. I never assume the worst, but the more likely scenario that people are sometimes a little strange or awkward. Anyhow, long story short, we became “best buds”. Maybe I should have heeded the warnings.

So at some point I got promoted to barman. I earned my wings. I had a following and a crew. I loved them all. Working in a gay bar implies a certain intimacy. That’s all I’ll say about it.

Shortly thereafter, I became best friends with fellow employs Mr. Donis and Mr. King of Queens (as well as a slew of others, but not now). We got along famously. People thought we might be all have been related (as I was openly not gay - the more common conclusions would be quickly discounted ;)

Stretch. Ouchouch.

Confrontations with Mr. Freak

Mr. King of Queens “quit”. Mr. Donis got fired. I loved them both, but the Donis was… my brutha frum anutha mutha. I couldn’t do anything for the King, but did for the Donis. He got his job back after I took a bar census, got ideas together, moderated the common position, and then approached Mr. Freak. Then a 3 hour “debate” - bartender to bar manager - over some drinks. He ended the conversation with “Thanks. Glad we could work that out. You’re fired - just kidding”. Asshole.

A month later, I was fired; October 1st 2005. During my meeting with Mr. Freak, I had mentioned a concern for scheduling and that there were some basic and consistent complaints coming from the staff… ok…

About the Staff

I arrived in Van with one friend out there. We lived together. Good times. It stayed about the same for the better part of a year with the exception of one other friend Mr. Freak and his entourage (word! good guys and gals!) and of course a RIGID SHOUT OUT to Agent R MontalBOND 0069!

I lived in a suburb and getting around was a little tiring. I was working for the biggest entertainment conglomerate in the city, but connected to very few people. No comment on why; it just was. I was lonely for a real tight connection. Mr. Freak was fun and I liked him, but he wasn’t really the best buddy type. From what I could tell, he cycled through friends quite often – ahem.

The staff became like a family to me. I knew them all. They all came to my house after shifts (and so did the occasional clients). They all loved me and I loved them. Hmm… maybe he didn’t like that? Not sure. Other managers would talk to me about him. Other employees would talk to me about him. I stood up for him, often trying to help everyone understand that he is new and learning and needs our support, understanding, and help to overcome the hurdles that lay… blah… I used to manage and have worked with managers far greater and far worse - just saying my experience slightly exceeds bartending in a small bar ;)

Getting Fired

Fuck was I pissed. I had started telling you that we had discussed something at the meeting. It was about scheduling and human resource management. A few obvious thieves and slackers got in because Mr. Freak didn’t want to listen to consensus – we got robbed and slacked.

I was often late, but for the day shifts. The day shifts were dead. The day shifts followed night shifts. The day shifts involved setting up the bar for the coming more prosperous night shift - thusly gruntish and not very lucrative work. I’d done tons of them. I’d done tons of them after closing the bar the night before. I was new; a grunt; my pleasure. But I wasn’t new anymore; I was a contender. LOL. I asked to be taken off the day shifts forever, such that, I am no longer available for day shifts, thank you. He eventually replied:

“I am your manager. What are you trying to do; manage me? I decide when you are available. It’s not that you can’t work; it’s that you don’t want to!”

I got $8/hr with no guaranteed shifts or hours; average tips for a 7 hour day shift: $15. Most of us managed 2 – 4 shifts and it might have knowingly been our only job. If you wanted the good shifts, you had to be available ALL the time as scheduling and training and hiring were questionable. I could usually take the hit financially, but was becoming exhausted by the next-day-double. nuff said.

I went to Saskatoon for 4 days to train for a FoxPro project; it was like flying to Japan because they made me wake up at 7:00am, my usual bed time. I got back - exhausted - on a Thursday night; fired on the following Saturday evening for being late for a day shift. I only saw the schedule at the end of my Friday shift which ended at 8:00am Saturday morning; doorman got a golf club to the head – he came over to my place with the usual suspects; bed by 8am; nuff said.

Witnesses: 7.

October 1st 2005

Fired. Then, shortly after, asked to cover a DAY SHIFT for the next day Sunday (leaving papers are in hand) because NOBODY EVER WANTS TO DO THEM. I said yes, but because Mr. Kojak said “Do it for me.” (Mr. Kojak was another friend who didn’t quite like some Freakish tendencies). I ended up spending the day getting… shooting shit with one of my first and favorite clients. We then went for sushi. After that shift, I went up to Mr. Freak and asked if we could work it out.

“No.”

“Can we get an arbitrator?”

“No. It’s over. Forget it.”

“But these people are my family now.”

“Look. You can do what you want. Contact the board; file your complaint.”

“Mr. Freak, please, don’t ask me to solve this outside of our friendship or this bar. It won’t be pretty for either of us.”

“What does that mean?”

“I dunno. It means what it means.”

He ended up barring me for 3 months because he thought I threatened him… until January 1st 2006.

It bothered me for 2 weeks. Everyone was sad.

I didn’t talk to him again, not until the week I left BC, and that was only say… a la prochaine.

The three of us who got fired started hooking up. We called ourselves:

“The Letters Birthday Boys”
Have you had yours?
Change is good.

Sorry Mr Freak. Wish we coulda made it.

Getting fired, in its own way, was awesome. The party moved to my house. That family came home.

And for this first time in two years, I fell in love with Vancouver*.

XO.

Done.

* I love BC, ABSOLUTLEY GORGEOUS, but the Vanurban was… harder to get to know.

Enter the Landlord / Enter Miss. Eye

While is Saskatoon, I hooked up with a friend of a friend from Van. Saskatoon, oddly enough, doesn’t need a tour guide, but it sort of does… you know? Anyways, I needed one.

Enter Miss. Eye. She was a bomb, no, really, KA POW KA BANG! She was on her way to Van the next day. We met in Van. She managed insulting, hurting, breaking, messing, botching, wrinkling, wronging everything she freakin’, touched, looked at, or thought of. She got a letter, but not from me. I read it to make sure it, um, qualified; had to look some things up ;) She lasted 10 days and I had to apologize to a friend because she lit a joint at one of his tables, in one of his restaurants, screaming “It’s fuckin’ BC. Loosen up”. Bye bye.

Enter the landlord…

Fuck. Server is down; fan died… need hosting… so, in the meantime, copy/paste:

Dear fellow residents of 1133 Beach Ave., Vancouver, BC… blah… I’ll make the link later…

HAHA! Made it now! Dear Fellow Residents

Anyhow, got evicted; got mad; wrote letter; got in again; left anyway, but only on December 1st.

The Saskatoon FoxPro deal had to keep on keepin’ on, but it didn’t; because of me; because of them. Bad match. Bad vibes. Bad end. C’est la vie, mais dommage because it was a work-from-home project management position in the domain of POS systems. Good times???

Enter the Dragon

I was BROKE. Saskatoon gave me $1500 which would’ve made me relax for a second (especially because my last two shifts were day shifts ;), but the bank took it right out of my hand. Man, horse to water or water to horse or whatever just trying to say… thirsty fuckin’ horse!

Broke. Why is this so perplexing? My initial eviction, the firing, the bar barring, the bar family, the Saskatoon, the Miss. Eye, the nothing going on was enough to help me consider that maybe I should go see the family back in Montreal. I called. We talked. I decided.

No jobs for an transexpatriplant with 30 days to burn.

October 15th 2005

Still typing… Kerouac was on cra… oh yeah. Well, not me. And I rewrote some of the pervious stuff. 11:00pm et bon soir (to this anyway).

Reading my blog

Each posting in my blog is like a painting or a song or a meal to me; artistic expression; born of whatever unique colors, sounds, or ingredients that any day or moment might provide. It does not intend to share any beliefs or otherwise. I sometimes write sad songs when I’m happy; draw faces I’ve never seen; cook cold soups in the winter.

I’d read it like I might eat a meal; concerned for the quality, freshness, and wholeness of the meal and less for any attention to classical ideal or detail; historical standard; status quo.

This blog just is… my idea of art... an ex.peri.mental.remix
– not a confession (okay, maybe sometimes ;)

Abridged romanticism

Estimates in direction and commons of lovers

romantic prowess misinterpreted

Obviously…

I woke up to recollections of her nape softly, warmly pressed against my lips; sein dans ma paume; breathing her in; tasting her again; such tender moments; such jagged longings.

let go...
let go..
let go.
let's go forward

I miss your smile.

Nostalgic over a haircut. Hilarious.

Push/pull romanticism

Am/not romantic

Rom (gyspy) antics (frolics)

that was fun.

This Mess We're In by T. Yorke and PJ Harvey

I love this tune:

( Thom Yorke )
Can you hear them
The helicopters
I'm in New York
No need for words now
We sit in silence
You look me
In the eye directly
You met me
I think it's Wednesday
The evening
The mess we're in
And ooooh...

( PJ Harvey )
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

( Thom Yorke )
Night and day
I dream of
Making love
To you now baby
Love making
On screen
Impossible dream
And I have seen
The sunrise over the river
The freeway
Reminding of
This mess we're in
And ooooh...

( PJ Harvey )
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

( PJ Harvey )
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

( PJ talking / Thom singing...together )
What were you wanting / What was that you wanted
I just wanna say
Don't ever change now baby
I'd thank you
I don't think we will meet again
And you must leave now
Before the sun rises
Over the skyscrapers
And the city landscape comes into view
Sweat on my skin
Oh
This mess we're in
Ooooh...

( PJ Harvey )
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me
The city sunset over me

Thoughts of her

Thoughts of her run through my mind like a poisoned perfume,
Parts of me feel like I know,
Others like the fool.

Retrospect like a ruler to my knuckles,
Retrospect like a lesson from a mother,
Overkill.

Coka cola by the king can,
Yields a diluted man,
Overkill.

Blurred lines of love and lust,
Blurring the betweens of could and must,
Blurring all my truths.

Have I been schooled or scarred,
Is it now messed and marred,
How is it to be for us?

Over frank,
Over zealous,
Overkill.

Taking for granted that others are,
Like me,
Like you.

Like you, we all want it
Squeezing it delicately hard,
The fragile part of a once broken heart.

Was it just ill-prepared?
Was it just over cared?
Was the sacred broken?

Tear me away for wanting,
Breaking bonds of desire,
Quelling a burning fire.

Like the eye of my storm.

Overkill can kill us all.

Newwig

I am going through another wig out (i.e. December in it its entirety). I hate quitting. I wanna hide. Gonna hit the hay (@ freakin' 8:30). I'll throw a flick on… looks like it’ll be Kadosh.

One day it will be the best...

Nobody Does It Better by Carly Simon (but covered by Radiohead)

Nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby you're the best.
I wasn't lookin'
But somehow you found me
I tried to hide from your love light
But like heaven above me
The spy who loved me
Is keepin' all my secrets safe tonight

And nobody does it better
Though sometimes I wish someone could
Nobody does it quite the way you do
Why'd you have to be so good.
The way that you hold me
Whenever you hold me
There's some kind of magic inside you
That keeps me from runnin'
But just keep it comin'
How'd you learn to do the things you do

And nobody does it better
Makes me feel sad for the rest
Nobody does it half as good as you
Baby
Baby
Darlin' you're the best
Baby you're the best
Baby you're the best

Smoke free.

I feel like…

…I’ve been in the middle; forever. It’s just starting to get tiring. Not in middle of others, but in the middle of myself, somewhere left and right of where I am, who I want to be, and who I am.

So be it. Not complaining. The perspective is enticing; a sort of hindsight and foresight; it does becomes exhausting. There are so many things I love that I need to get rid of because they are consuming me; needlessly. What lines are drawn between love and compromise?

I don’t over think…

…nearly as much as I share, talk, trust, expose…

…and assume a common semantic.

I need a little less intro-sensitivity, a little more extro-sensitivity, and tons more COMMON sensitivity to solve this reoccurring problem of being…

…overwhelmed and overwhelming.

OPP

Other Peoples Potential has given me some insight into my own potential. I am reading other peoples blogs and having conversations and trying to find a reflection of myself so that maybe I’ll have a better idea of what I might look like; to myself and others.

I can sometimes make out reflections or confirmations of parts of me that I knew were there, like my face or my hand or a scar. I can sometimes see reflections of things I had no idea where there, like a tan line or a freckle or a mole.

Sometimes, when I try to paint a self-portrait from those reflections, the reflection lies to me, because my mind has already made it a “self-portrait” and not really a reflection. I lie to myself.

I was told once that maybe I “deserved better” - that what I want, and moreover what I need, is out there for me. She told me that I was looking in the wrong place. I want to believe that even though a reflection might not show me a familiar image, I can at least see a real one.

Still looking…

Peace-ing out and aftertaste

Sometimes, when I enjoy eating something, I relish the aftertaste, and the last bite can sometimes leave me determined to preserve that taste. I might want to wait as long as possible to drink or eat anything that may rob me of this souvenir.

I feel like I might be holding on to an aftertaste. I hope I am not compromising the taste of something new and delicious in an attempt to preserve something that might be gone forever.

Happy Birthday Nick Penman.

I hope that you and your family know what effect you had on my life and that you are always in my thoughts. That made me cry. I love you.

If ANYONE knows how I might be able to get in touch with the Penmans, please forward the information to me. Last I heard, they were in Ste-Catherines, Ontario. Thanks.

Je m'arrange

Yippie fer skippy - finally back in my own head and not some earthquake shattered remnant. Everything’s been rearranged, but I am recognizing what’s mine, what I was working on, and what I was aspiring towards.

Et bon.

I am looking at quitting smoking in the next day or so. The decision is made in the hope of taking advantage of this re-familiarization/reconstruction process to introduce new habits into this legacy system.

Should probably drink less too – celebration’s over bitches ;)

Coka Cola is a hell of a drink.

If you ever get into your soda, stopping can be surprisingly... emotional.

Instant Karma by John Lennon

Instant karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you right on the head
You better get yourself together
Pretty soon you’re gonna be dead
What in the world you thinking of
Laughing in the face of love
What on earth you tryin’ to do
It’s up to you, yeah you

Instant karma’s gonna get you
Gonna look you right in the face
Better get yourself together darlin’
Join the human race
How in the world you gonna see
Laughin’ at fools like me
Who in the hell d’you think you are
A super star
Well, right you are

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Ev’ryone come on

Instant karma’s gonna get you
Gonna knock you off your feet
Better recognize your brothers
Ev’ryone you meet
Why in the world are we here
Surely not to live in pain and fear
Why on earth are you there
When you’re ev’rywhere
Come and get your share

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Come on and on and on on on
Yeah yeah, alright, uh huh, ah

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
On and on and on on and on

Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Well we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun
Yeah we all shine on
Like the moon and the stars and the sun

Music is me...

...not sure at what level (and don't specifically care), but it's there.

How will it change with my mood and moment? What (where, how, who, when) can effect my psychology and how does that relate to or change my musicology?

Normalizing... my official post anomaly word. MERCI to all who waited and helped me through it - apologies to those that might have taken offence or personalized it. I am learning.

What are the perceived thresholds on an anomaly becoming a habit; blue moon syndrome of sorts…

Doors and windows

never anticipate; expectations are lethal; of myself and of others.

be me; be real; allow doors and windows to open FRESH AIR so that i may be free of these closterphobic images of the self.

moments are not who i am. i am.

happy new year.

may all the doors and windows be open and closed as you need them and maybe not always as you want them. breakdowns or breaches or anomalies are unique within my own self and do not serve to define or communicate a truer self.

2006 'sans' semantics and clearly communicated none the less.

verbosity can dig deep alienating holes. simmer. xox.