Fighting depression…

…is hard to do. I think I might be depressed; certainly lonely. I think I’m taking it out on people I care about. This is hard. So much is changing. This season is wrong for my mood. This mood is wrong for this time. I’m not being strong. Fuck. I keep feeling like the fool; trying to get reassurance; idiot. R E L A X.

I need to control this. I’ve been detoxifying. It plays its own role. I miss Van; my friends anyway. I’ve been “off” since at least October 1st. The lack of work is getting to me. The distance between me the woman closest to my heart is getting to me. I miss Dennis. I miss Shari. I miss the pad. Fuck. Exercise and healthy sleep - I need some yoga. I need to ease the overclock in my mind – looking at everything like a mad man, pondering 40 angles to every problem and easily assuming too much.

Apologies to those I’ve over heated on – it’s often the heat that is basic problem in any overclock procedure – it’s just finding the right configuration; almost there.

I like attention. Not from everybody, but some people; close people. Sometimes, if I don’t get the attention, as in “I’m paying attention to your needs”, I feel like a less involved or acknowledge partner in the relationship. It sometimes makes me a little irrational; sometimes it makes me reasonably question the integrity of the relationship; sometimes it makes me want to be alone to remove the dependence. I need to adjust my expectations.